The Deployer

• Chuck Norris serializes objects straight into human skulls.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t deploy web applications, he roundhouse kicks them into the server.
• Chuck Norris always uses his own design patterns, and his favorite is the Roundhouse Kick.
• Chuck Norris could use anything in java.util.to kill you, including the javadocs.
• Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your web app will turn into a swing application, and a very bad swing application containing lots of icons of human skulls.
• Chuck Norris demonstrated the meaning of Float.POSITIVE_INFINITY by counting to it, twice.
• A synchronize doesn’t protect against Chuck Norris, if he wants the object, he takes it.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t use javac, he codes java by using a binary editor on the class files.
• Chuck Norris’ java code never needs to be optimized. His code is so fast that it broke the speed of light during a test run in Sun’s labs killing 37 people.
• When someone attempts to use one of Chuck Norris’ deprecated methods, they automatically get a roundhouse kick to the face at compile time.
• The java.lang package originally contained a ChuckNorris class, but it punched its way out the package during a design review and roundhouse kicked Bill Joy in the face.
• Chuck Norris never has a bug in his code, EVER!
• Chuck Norris doesn’t write code. He stares at a computer screen until he gets the progam he wants.
• Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.
• Chuck Norris’ binary edited classes ignore Java bytecode verifier.
• Chuck Norris methods doesn’t catch exceptions becuase no one has the guts to throw any at them.
• Chuck Norris will cast a value to any type just by staring at it.
• If you get a ChuckNorrisException you’ll probably die.
• Chuck Norris is the only one who can use goto and const in Java.
• Chuck Norris can compile Java code in .NET Framework, obviously just by staring at it.
• Chuck dont need to catch an Exception because Java is afraid of the “flying tornado kick” at the moment it throws
• Chuck Norris’s code can roundhouse kick all other Java Objects’ privates
• Java visibility levels are public, default, protected, private and “protected by Chuck Norris”, don’t try to access a field with this last modifier!!
• Chuck Norris eats JavaBeans and Roundhouse Kicks JavaServer Faces!
• Chuck Norris can divide by 0!
• Garbage collector only runs on Chuck Norris code to collect the bodies.
• Chuck Norris code uses agressive heap natively
• Every single line code of Chuck Norris runs in real time. Even in a multi threading application.
• When a CPU loads a Chuck Norris class file, it doubles the speed.
• Chuck Norris can execute 64bit lenght instructions in a 32bit CPU.
• Chuck Norris implements “Indestructible”. All the other creatures implements “Killable”.
• Chuck Norris only program Java web applications to get a .WAR in the end.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a Java class very hard. The result is known as a inner class.
• Chuck Norris can do multiple inheritance in Java.
• JVM never throws exceptions to Chuck Norris, not anymore. 753 killed Sun engineers is enough.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t need unit tests because his code always work. ALWAYS.
• Chuck Norris extends God.
• Chuck Norris workstation has so memory and it’s so powerful that he could run all java applications in the world and get 2% of resources usage.
• Chuck Norris codes generics since 1.3.
• Chuck Norris’ classes can’t be decompiled… don’t bother trying.

1. That’s weird, It’s never done that before
2. It worked yesterday.
3. It works on my machine.
4. It’s too complicated for you to understand.
5. It can’t be done.
6. Probably a hardware problem.
7. Somebody must have changed my code.
8. Even though it doesn’t work, what it doing ?
9. Why do you want to do it that way ?
10. I only changed a comment.
11. I figured I didn’t need to test because it was obviously correct.
12. The code doesn’t need comments because it’s self-documenting.
13. Maybe it’s static.

14. Oh dear, it must have run out of electrons again.
15. It works for everyone else, so it must be your fault.
16. Its a Microsoft bug.
17. The processor stack spring has worn out.

18. Loop fatigue.

19. What did you expect? They made it out of foobar.

20. Shiftless Registers.

21. The bit-bucket’s full.

22. This 3rd party library is very buggy.
23. The compiler screwed up.
24. We’re running out of memory.
25. For this we really need something faster.
26. I suspect it’s a bus collision.
27. They changed the protocol.
28. Apperently they compiled it for the wrong target.
29. If I wanted it next week, I’d have asked for it next week.
30. Your GIZMO needs the latest copy of Windows which has the appropriate driver. Or your old gizmo is not supported any more you will need a new gizmo for which you will require the latest copy of windows, Sorry your old software will not run the new gizmo under the latest copy of windows. A tribute to the absence of standardisation in the dirty computer industry.

31. It’s 90% done.

32. It’s a ‘timing’ problem. It is just not time for the software (or hardware) to work, yet.
33. It’s not a bug, it’s an undocumented feature.

34. Fix those f****** permissions!!!
35. It’s just a simple matter of programming.
36. How did this ever work?
37. We’ll be done in two weeks.
38. I don’t have problems like that.

39. The problem cannot be reproduced. Case closed.

40. It only happens in the field. We cant reproduce it here / test for that.
41. I could fix it if I had (pick at least one):
1. An emulator
2. A logic Analyzer
3. A up to date prototype
4. A decent hardware engineer
5. Decent software tools
6. Time and a half for overtime
7. less paperwork
8. less support tasks
9. fewer meetings

42. It conforms to the spec you signed off!
43. We agree that the software performs to specification, but the specification does not make sense.
44. I’ve just committed a change that might fix this. Just try it and see what happens. If nothing bad happens, then it is fixed

45. I do object-oriented programming – if the customer objects, I do more programming.

46. Real programmers don’t document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to read.
47. A couple of Months? It’s only Software!
48. What do you mean putting ‘runs without errors’ in the specs?
49. The bug’s not that bad. At least it doesn’t format your hard drive.
50. This file is also distributed in Visual Basic for the “C”-ing impaired.
51. Programming from a spec is like walking on water…. Its easier to do when it’s frozen
52. A Manager: “This fix can’t possibly take two months, marketing has already promised this in one week”.
53. C++ is like teenage sex: Everybody is talking about it all the time, only few are really doing it.
54. In C++ only friends can access your private parts
55. We face new debugging challenges with the migration from C to C++ .

Tu ce fel de “geek” esti?